My Skin is Not My Own

When I first started looking around the Internet and found that I wasn't alone in being a sissy, I was - needless to say - thrilled. But there was another aspect to it as well. There were (of course) tens of thousands of pictures of people like me doing things that were very stereotypically sissy-like. And of course I found these very arousing. They appealed to my submissive sissy side.

That lasted about three years until I "got my fill" of all of the sissy eye candy. Don't get me wrong - I love looking at pictures of sissies like myself doing things that are very sissy like. Most are certainly staged pictures, or the captions that accompany the pictures were added later for pictures that originally had nothing to to with being a sissy. But in my sissy mind, the captions still easily stretch to match the pictures. So I enjoy looking at them... A lot....

But as I said, I've moved beyond that to a place where I'm just comfortable being me. I think back to who I was BEFORE I acknowledged to myself that I was a sissy, and I now relate it to a line from the movie "Children of Dune" in which the protagonist says (several times) "My skin is not my own." Well, my skin was definitely NOT my own. Never way. Not until I was able to acknowledge who and what I really was. Then and only then did I feel "right" in my own mind. And I'm now much happier and less stressed because of it.

So what does this have to do with the pictures I mentioned in the first paragraph? A lot actually. I think those pictures depict an idealized, fantasy sissy lifestyle and not necessarily the one that many of us really live. I'd love to be able to do some of the things that I see in the pictures. I'd love to be able to dress like the sissies I see in the pictures. I'd love it if my beautiful wife M would treat me more like the sissy gurl I am in my own mind. I wish all of these things and more would happen all the time so I could be even more of a sissy gurl.

But at the same time, I live a very real life. I get up in the morning, have my coffee, get cleaned up, and go to work. At the end of the day, I take care of some chores around the house and (perhaps) relax a bit while reading. It sometimes happens that I read sissy-related or cuckold-related erotica, but more often you'll find me with my nose buried in a sci-fi book. And then when bedtime comes around, I go to bed and (often) just go to sleep because M is watching one of the mindless serial shows that she loves so much or has her own reading on her Kindle. It's easy to wear sissy things to bed, and I do so more often than not... Boring? Probably...

But at the same time, I know that I love M more than I can express. I love every second I spend between her legs licking her pussy. I know that she'll keep my clitty locked up because she only wants a MAN to penetrate her - not me. And I'm comfortable with the fact that MEN get to fuck my wife but I make love with her like a gurl - with my fingers and tongue. I'm comfortable with the fact that my wife keeps my clitty locked up in a steel cage because it makes me feel more like the sissy I am...

I can honestly say that since I acknowledged to M that I really AM a sissy - and not just a "fantasy sissy" - that our lives have changed a LOT. I think we spend more time talking about our feelings. I have no doubt that M is very concerned for my emotional well-being. We do little things for each other all the time that just say "I love you." I think I could say that we're trying very hard - and mostly successfully - to make each other happy. Maybe that's just because of where we are in our lives, but I think that it's also because my opening up about myself has eliminated one of the main causes of our relationship friction that existed before...

Blast from the Past

On Friday, M told me that James had contacted her by eMail. Remember him? The man she first cuckolded me with?

She told me that he was in town and that he had been thinking about her. And that if their schedules aligned, that he would love to see her again.

On Saturday morning, I was doing some work around the house. M cam downstairs and told me that she was going to see James and that she was going to go to the grocery store. Now THERE's a combination for you! Very matter-of-fact in her tone...

M got herself all ready - her preparations were different than when she's seeing Allen... She put on some really sexy lingerie for James where (for Allen), she "goes commando" because that's the way he wants her.

What I found interesting was that there was no question of her going to see him. It was just something that she was going to do because she wanted to.

And of course, when she got back several hours later, she had a big smile on her face...

I Wish I Had More Matching Lingerie

Some call it "crossdressing."

I just call it "dressing."

It's hard finding bras that fit for those occasions when I'm not wearing my breast forms... So many of my bras don't exactly match the panties. I say I don't really mind, but deep inside I really want my bras to match my panties.




Like this...

I'd give anything to find some nice, pretty, matching sets of bras and panties...

But that brings up another point too - my problems would pretty much go away if I were a bit "better developed" on top. I think it would be a lot easier for me to find bras that I like. I've got some breast forms that I wear occasionally, but I don't really like them. Don't get me wrong, I love how they make me feel when I'm wearing them and look in the mirror, but I hate that when I wear them M has no easy access to my nipples - and believe me my nipples are very sensitive!

Pleasing Her

M has used almost these exact words when talking to me on more than one occasion, especially since she started having sex with a real man.

And I'm quite comfortable when she DOES say them, because I know in my heart that they're true. In some mixed-up way, I actually take them as a compliment! An affirmation of my oral lovemaking skills. I still think about when I pretended to be a man and tried to make love with M the way a man would. M was never satisfied (but until I explicitly asked her about it she would never have admitted it), and I was always left feeling empty and depressed because I KNEW that I was failing as a man.

Fast forward to today...

When M tells me I please he when I make love with her as a sissy gurl, I'm THRILLED!

The submissive in me gets aroused when she teases me about only having sex with her when I'm locked up... That her lover is the only one allowed penetrative sex with her... That I am only allowed to lick her pussy... But the sissy gurl in me takes immense pleasure in the thought that when I DO lick her pussy I'll be giving her immense pleasure!

I've Always LOVED Skirted Panties

I have a lot of panties. In all styles and colors. Some are thongs. Some are bikinis. Some are red. Or purple. Or white. Some are crotchless. Or other colors and styles.

But the panties I love the most...

Hands down, no doubt, are my skirted panties. I absolutely LOVE them. Definitely my favorites.

While I love all my panties, and I truly love wearing them all the time, when I really want to feel special, I put on my skirted panties. It's amazing to me that such a simple thing as a little bit of extra material around my hips can make such a difference.

Sexy. Naughty, Adventurous. The emotional state they evoke within me is incredible!

Sometimes I Go An Entire Day

Without wearing my clitty cage.

When that happens, it always feels like something important is missing.

I feel out of sorts...

M sometimes teases me about how I look. Not all the time, and definitely not in a cruel way, just talking to me in a matter-of-fact way. And when I look down, this is what I see...

But then she gets me back into my cage and everything is right in the world again...

M Turns to a New Page

After including me in her tryst with James in February, the timing just never seemed to work out again. M met with him a couple more times over the next month while I was out of the country, but during my short stays at home between trips their schedules never seemed to work. It was painful for M, but late in March they came to the mutual conclusion that it just wasn't going to work out because of their weird work schedules. Frankly, she wanted to have sex with him a lot more than he was going to be available.

Too bad... James had a really nice cock and I loved feeling it in my mouth!

But even as they decided to break off their relationship, M immediately started looking for his replacement. It was a certainty that I wasn't getting it done... At least as a MAN! Making love with her like a gurl, and orally though?

I ROCKED!

Around the middle of April, I was out of the country (again) when M sent me a note telling me that she thought she had found a suitable replacement for James. She reached out to "Allen" via eMail and they set up a safe, lunchtime date for when I was back in town. While their lunch date was vanilla enough, M shared with me that Allen seemed a bit nervous at first - to the point that at the end of t\heir lunch he accidentally dumped a glass of water in his lap!

Yeah...

Sure...

Accidentally...

I'm sure it was because he wanted to hide another potential embarrassment (at least I'd like to THINK that's what the reason was).

I was only home for a short while before I had to go back overseas for a couple of weeks. Right after I left, M met Allen again for a nice, quiet breakfast at one of the chain breakfast places. She sent me an eMail right after that to tell me that she thought Allen would work out just fine. In her note, she also told me that she was certain that she wanted him as her lover and that he was definitely more dominant than James - something that she said made her very wet! She also told me that she told him about keeping my clitty locked up and that I wore panties and other women's lingerie... And that they jokingly talked about having HIM keep the key to my clitty cage! Given how much I travel internationally, that probably wouldn't work well, but the idea that they talked about it was a first! Right before I left my overseas work location to come home, M sent me another eMail in which she told me he texted her and told her to tell me that the next time they met, "he would have her." Ohhhhhh. My clitty got hard when I read that!

And props to Leeanne... Major, major props to Leeanne... It was very obvious that M had read all of Leeanne's blog! In her eMail, M told me that "I think I may have found my QB." And in the context of her note, it was very, very obvious that the thought excited her. I was obviously very happy that M had found James' replacement and thought that Allen would work out great, given everything M had shared with me. As I was getting ready to head home, M shared with me that Allen texted her every day and that they had set up their first real date for right after I got back.

Timewise, we were now up to the last half of May and I finally got home again. M had her first real date with Allen in late May and came home afterwards...

The words "GLOWING with satisfaction!" aren't strong enough.

M couldn't wait to tell me all about what they did while I was between her legs licking her pussy. She was giddy with her satisfaction... She told me that while Allen wasn't quite as big as James, he was more than adequate and (obviously) much better than I ever was. While James was more of a "one and done" kind of guy (maybe that's why M never wanted me to suck him to completion?) Allen was more than capable of "multiples" which raised her satisfaction level to all new heights. She also told me that he had incredible stamina, which was why she was completely worn out - understandable when she recounted that their combined time with his cock in her pussy exceeded 2 hours! As for me? My stamina was never measured in more than a couple (meaning two) minutes...

Yes, Real Life Does Get In The Way...

Three weeks ago, one of my sons (older, still living at home in the basement) told me that there was a water leak somewhere in the basement... Oh joy!

Mopped up the water, took down some wallboard, and figured out that the leak was actually coming from the second floor bathroom, draining down the wet wall into the basement past the kitchen on the first floor.

Now I've known for some time that the second floor bathroom in our 1970's house would need to be remodeled - it's been on my project list for a long time. Well... This was the "motivation" I needed to finally get it done.

The past couple weeks have been spent with the demo. From the sheetrock on the ceiling to the subfloor. Everything came out. The sheetrock because it wasn't the new moisture-resistant stuff that's out there, and the subfloor because it's half-inch plywood instead of the new, three-quarter stuff and is not as rigid as it should be. All the fixtures, everything - down to bare studs and joists - came out. The tub was the original cast-iron thing... About 400 pounds. Good thing you can shatter cast iron with a large enough sledge hammer! Only way to get it out. Also filled a lot of bags with the old tile flooring (installed over almost an inch of mortar)... Also very heavy.

This weekend started the rebuild in earnest. New subfloor went in, with cementboard over the new plywood. Some copper pipe repairs and some electrical repairs at the same time. New bathtub fixtures. The new tub (baked enamel over steel) went in yesterday... The new ceiling went in yesterday, and the moisture-resistant wallboard should go in today if everything works out OK...

A LOT of manual labor all weekend and in the evenings after work. Complete exhaustion. So one might ask "Hey knucklehead, why don't you have a home remodeling contractor come in to do the work instead of doing it yourself?" The answer is twofold, and short. One: Cost. Two: I really enjoy home remodeling. But I DO have to get it done as fast as I can because we really NEED that bathroom to be functional!

I guess my point in posting this is to point out that (like everyone who has a blog like mine) real life DOES intrude. Doing what I've been doing for the past few weeks is about as un-sissylike as it could be. But it doesn't change who I am. Not a whit!

But through it all... About every five minutes, my mind would wander and images like these would make their way from my subconscious into my forebrain. Ahhhhh.

It's hard to even THINK about wearing the things I want to wear when I'm wearing dirty, sweaty jeans and a sweaty t-shirt and covered in sawdust.

I wanted this SO MUCH...

The look that I've never seen - unless I was watching James give her the kind of pleasure I never could...

Yes, we have. Yes, she did. And it feels phenomenal!

When She Gets Home

Every single time she get home from her lover's place (at least when I'm not traveling), I have this uncontrollable urge to kneel between her legs and lick her pussy.

I KNOW how good it makes M feel when I do it.

I LOVE how good it makes ME feel when I do it.

I love knowing that my tongue is where a MAN's cock has been... Where my clitty doesn't go. Where my clitty couldn't go even if I wanted it to...

I Can Hardly Wait...

One of the high points of my life was feeling James' cock in my mouth.

Unless you've done it, you can't understand the feeling. The physical feeling yes, but also the emotional feeling of being a sissy with a MAN's cock in your mouth. It's an incredible validation of who you are as a sissy. And when SHE had his cock in her mouth, I wanted his cock in MY mouth...

And when I had James' cock in my mouth, it made me feel so DAMNED GOOD!

But therein lies my conundrum...

M has told me a couple of times that she wants her lovers' cum for herself.

As a sissy gurl, I want so much to have a MAN's cock in my mouth and to make him cum. I long to feel his cock pulsing in my mouth. To hear his moans of pleasure in orgasm. To see the look of absolute bliss on his face as he fills my mouth.

I want so much to know that this is the pleasure that I have given him. To know that I... Sissy Lauren... have made a man cum like a gurl should.

But M wants her lovers' cum for herself...

I guess an option would be to find a different man, but that's not in the cards.

I THINK that at some point, M's lover WILL cum in my mouth. She has already told me that she got very wet when she saw me with James' cock in her mouth, and she has also told me (on several occasions) that she likes thinking about me wearing my sissy lingerie, on my knees, with her lover's cock in my mouth...

I think that at some point, M will tell me to suck his cock, and that she'll TELL him to cum in my mouth... But I also think that it'll be a while...

I can hardly wait!

I've Recounted a Lot of my Story

September was a busy month from a blogging perspective.

I'm not really a social media person (to be honest, this is the only social media account I have). All around me, every day, I hear about people spending time updating their own social media accounts or reviewing those of their friends. I've read in the newspaper and seen on TV how some have to have "interventions" to help them overcome their social media "problems."

I don't know how they do it!

I spend a small amount of time time every day looking at my favorite blogs, and I confess that I really agonize about every word that goes into mine. While the shorter caption-type posts I have take but a few minutes to write, the longer posts detailing my life usually take several days to write, and I spend a lot of time editing and re-editing them to get the words to say what I really want them to say.

It's HARD work!

But I also think that I enjoy it! I do know that I find myself smiling from time to time as I remember the details of something I'm writing about...

During September, I had a lot of posts (at least I thought there were a lot). Certainly NOT a lot of posts compared to veterans like Leeanne or Kaaren - who have multiple blogs! I didn't post something every day, but I truly enjoyed everything that I DID post. There's so much I want to say... There's still so much that I think I NEED to say.

My wife periodically reads some of the blogs that I read. I know she does. She doesn't read them all the time, but I do know that she looks at them from time to time. I sometimes wonder if she will see a thumbnail link on one of those blogs that she looks at, click it on a whim, and get redirected to this blog. I wonder if she'll read it. I wonder what she'll think...

One way or another, I DO know that at some point I'll point her to my blog. Probably won't be for a while...

I've said it a number of times - I am a sissy. But I really only realized it explicitly a couple of years ago. Before that, the evidence was always there, but I didn't (or couldn't) admit it to myself. Knowing it, admitting it openly to myself, talking about it explicitly with M, and living as a sissy gurl (maybe not openly in public but definitely openly with M) has made me happier than I've ever been in my life.

Lots of "growing pains" and exploration for both of us. M cuckolded me for the very first time early this year. I sucked a MAN's cock for the very first time early this year. And to this day, I revel in how GOOD those things made me feel. There have been a couple other things as well, but they've only involved M and me. Over time I'll no doubt share them here as well. But there's so much more I want to experience. So much more I eagerly want to explore.

As a sissy.

I Used to be Ashamed

Before I acknowledged who and what I was, I'd look down and be ashamed about what I saw.

That has changed completely. On those very rare occasions when I am not wearing my clitty cage and look down and see this, I see an affirmation of who I am.

And it makes me proud.

And happy.