Sunday, September 24, 2017

I Love Looking In The Mirror

I love dressing in my sissy things.

I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing this.

It makes me feel so good... So right...

While I drool over all the different colors in my lingerie drawers, those that are pastels and those that are bright, there's just something special about classic black and white lingerie. Black always makes me feel so elegant. White always makes me feel so... virginal...

Saturday, September 23, 2017

And Then It Happened...

In (very) late 2016, "M" found "James" and began an online dialog with him. She told me about him right from the start, and seemed very excited. He seemed a lot different than the first guy she met. Her back-and-forth with James progressed pretty quickly as they got to know one another online. Fortunately we live in the same area, with a metro transit system that ran pretty close to where he lived and where we live.

In our nighttime fantasy building and gurl-girl lovemaking, I began building a picture for M in which she was making love with James. Honestly? She loved it! As did I. Christmas and the new year came, and right after that, M spent a week with her mother a couple of states over. While she was at her mother's, we talked every night as normal when we're apart, and she told me that she had masturbated several times and made herself cum while thinking about "James." As soon as she got back, she agreed to meet him for a date, which she told me about right away.

Talk about excited!

I was just about bursting out of my sissy skin!

I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't stand still or sit still. And all the time, "M" was walking around with this enigmatic smile on her face.

The big day arrived, and (of course), I helped her prepare - dressed as I was in my sissiest things. I remember the beautiful, lacy bra and panty set she wore that evening - something I had never seen before. She tried to temper my imagination by saying "We're just going to a restaurant... And we'll see if we like each other... And we'll see if anything develops from there."

I dropped her off at the metro train station early in the evening with a kiss and watched as she disappeared to catch her train before driving home.

Knowing that she would be on the train for about 45 minutes to get to his place, and then the same to get home, I waited at home and tried to settle myself.

I read.

I watched some TV.

I read some more.

My clitty was locked up as always, and I was wearing my sissiest white lingerie, thinking it appropriate to the event. While the lingerie is a bit different, the color is right, and here is exactly how I was feeling...

And also while I waited - knowing that she might check her mail on the train when she was coming home - I wrote her an eMail and attached a bunch of pictures to (hopefully) convey to her what I hoped she was doing and what she might say to me on her return...

Jan 14

I can hardly wait to pick you up in a few hours...
I hope you are able to look at these pictures on your way home...

I love you,

Sissy L

Here are some of the pictures I sent her with that eMail...

It was several hours later that I got a text message from her telling me that she was on the train and on her way home. Nothing more than that... I left soon thereafter to pick her up, and I was on pins and needles the whole time.

It didn't exactly work out the way the pictures suggested, but instead of me telling you what happened, I'll let my wife's words speak for themselves - extracted from the eMail exchange she had with James the following day when she got home from work (the names and a couple bits of information - shown in < > have been changed to "protect the innocent"). She got a kick out of the eMail exchange and shared it with me...

From "M" Jan 15, 2017

Hi "James".  I'm home, fed, and tired after work so its a good thing we didn't try to meet tonight.

Is tomorrow morning still good for you?  I think it'll work out very well for me and I love morning sex. How about 10?  I'm going to drive this time so can you tell me where to park and give me an address for my GPS?  I guess I could just aim for <the restaurant> where we met before.

So... when <Lauren> picked me up at <the train station> last night the first thing he said was "I love you" and I responded "I really hope so because I just fucked another man and liked it." He was very happy about finally being a cuckold. I thought you were very handsome, sexy, nice, and I like you.

I told him that we talked in the restaurant for a short time then walked hand in hand to your apartment.  You kissed me almost right away and we continued kissing then touching.  I could feel your hard cock through your jeans and I could already tell that you were bigger than him.  Then we moved into the bedroom and started peeling off clothes and I discovered that your cock is definitely bigger than his "little clitty" and that's why his tiny dick is locked up - it's just too small to be of use to me.  I told him that we laid down on the bed and touched some more and I got very wet for you. Then you said " tell me what you want" and  I said I want you to fuck me and you slid into me and you fit so much better than he does. You felt so good. Really good. (It's been a long time since I've been fucked, so it really was good). He asked if I tasted your cock and if you came inside me.  He insisted on licking my pussy clean.

I was happy with our date. I know <Lauren> was.  What were your feelings about the evening.  Did it meet your expectations?  I hope you really are excited about our next rendezvous.

It started out feeling a little weird to me but I moved past that about the time you took my bra off.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

From "James" 15 Jan 2017


I'm happy to hear you shared with your husband our experience together. Your hubby sounds like the perfect cuckold. I enjoy hearing that you like the way I feel inside you. The more expressive you are the better. I like pleasing more than being pleased and it would seem that you've had to accept less than you desire or deserve. I like being in a position to fill this void.

You are very sexy. Beautiful full lips, lovely kisser, and luscious full breasts that I can't see myself ever getting enough of. I loved watching you suck my cock mostly because it appeared that you enjoyed it as much as I did. Entering you was pure bliss, so warm, wet, and inviting. I love hearing you tell me to fuck you. So hot hearing you express yourself...

My mind is running wild with images of not only what future pleasures you and I may have together but how and when we may invite your hubby. Having him watch in certainly likely. But I think you and I would like more. We can talk and discuss what ideas you may have.

Tomorrow at 10 sounds perfect. I'd like to have you come to my apartment door so I can great you with nothing but a bath robe on. But, I'll wait till you are more familiar. Tomorrow, you can park in the first floor garage as if you are visiting the retail area. If you forget where it is - on the back of the building - email me. The garage door will be open. Email me when you arrive, stay in the garage area and I'll come down to escort you the rest of the way.

Can't wait to taste you...



I'll state here for the record that I was an insatiable sissy on the 15th. I couldn't keep my head out from between "M"'s legs that day, knowing that she was going to see James again the following day. She had more orgasms in that one day than she had ever had before in any single day (BIG smile)...

And yes, she DID meet him again the following morning at 10 o'clock. And yes, she DID come home after that with a huge smile on her face. And yes, I did immediately lick her pussy. It was an uncontrollable urge!

More proof that I really, truly am a sissy gurl! And LUVIN IT!


Friday, September 22, 2017

A Short Interlude

I get this caption, I really do...

These days, my little clitty is caged continuously when I'm not traveling... The device is different (a sleek, stainless steel cage instead of a plastic tube), but I do wear stockings and other lingerie to the office all the time. Since that very first time when I pulled the stockings up my legs and reveled in the sensation of them against my skin I've loved that feeling. Putting on my sissy things every morning makes me feel completely ready to handle anything that might come up (freudian slip there) during the day.

And yes, I do wonder. All the time... I wonder what they would think...

And THAT makes me feel good too!

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Our Maturing Sissy Relationship

The last couple of years have been challenging for me work-wise. I've been traveling internationally a lot more than I'd like in support of a really stressful project. Through it all I've made a very conscious effort to talk with my wife every single day - whether I was in country or out. I think my daily calls with her when I was traveling helped me keep my sanity in a chaotic world. It has been especially challenging because my travels take me to places in the world where being a sissy could get me a long prison sentence or even a death sentence. Talk about stress inducing. Whenever I was home, we'd continue our nightly discussions, and - more often than not - our Gurl-girl lovemaking. This brought me an inner peace and helped me feel safe. Reflecting back on some of my earlier posts in this blog, I think it has gotten easier for me to tell my story. Where it would have probably been uncomfortable for me to say something like "gurl-girl" lovemaking a month ago to an online audience, it doesn't now. That too makes me feel good. I think I'm enjoying the catharsis of "coming out of the closet" - even in the anonymity of a blog like this.

I mentioned in an earlier post how anally retentive I am - how I keep track of everything. I guess one could say I'm an electronic packrat. I wonder if there's an intervention for that?... In 2015, I was locked up (or unlocked but chaste) about 85 percent of the time and experienced a total of 35 orgasms, but only 12 were through traditional sex. In 2016, I was locked up or chaste over 90 percent of the time, and the number of orgasms I experienced continued to decrease - a total of 30 orgasms and 9 through traditional sex. But what's noteworthy about 2016 was that my last traditional sex orgasm was on October 11 - a trend that continued well into this year! The number of orgasms my wife enjoyed, on the other hand, went up significantly! And I reveled in the thought that she was finally getting the pleasure she deserved. My enjoyment, on the other hand, has shifted from what it was to ensuring SHE did.

Our nighttime fantasy discussions about her making love with (another) man continued, and - if anything - got more graphic and detailed. Notice that the word "another" is in parentheses. That's intentional. During this period, it became very apparent that my wife stopped thinking of me as a man and really began thinking of me as a sissy gurl. So perhaps the sentence should have read "Our nighttime fantasy discussions about her making love WITH A MAN continued..."

We got to a point where I no longer "cross-dressed," I just "dressed." We got to a point where she wouldn't think anything at all of calling me "sissy gurl" or even just "Lauren" when talking to me at night. I'd routinely send her cuckold-themed pictures, and I also searched for, and sent links to sissy-themed and cuckold-themed books on Amazon. Slowly, oh so slowly, she came to understand that she shouldn't feel guilty for "having those thoughts," especially given a sissy husband who actively encouraged them. This was a big deal for her given her somewhat strict religious upbringing. She loved me. I loved her. No doubt about it. She had one sexual partner before me. I had one sexual partner before her. I never pleased her as a man, so I did everything I could to get her over the mental hurdle of A) seeing me not as a man (which was true anyhow but she would sometimes cling to that memory), and B) seeing herself WITH a man. She was so incredibly afraid of hurting me - realizing without saying it that once the bell has been rung it can never be "un-rung." We talked about this and I encouraged her for months, emphasizing over and over again how much I loved her and how much I wanted to see her get all of her needs fulfilled. With her acknowledgement of my sissyhood, she was already fulfilling mine!

During this time I was also actively reading a number of other sissy-related blogs and saw so much of myself in them, at least in the ones I read regularly. I sent her links to these as well, and encouraged her to read them. I know she did because she'd sometimes bring up topics for us to talk about that came from those blogs. And when she did, we'd talk about other sissies, their relationships with their wives, and the challenges they encountered. Each time we did, it got easier for her to talk about cuckolding me. To talk about "being with a man not her husband."

And I was so happy...

Early in 2016, our cuckolding discussions rose to a new level when she told me that she was actively looking for a MAN... A MAN to be her lover... To say I was thrilled would be an incredible understatement! I redoubled all of my efforts to please her as her sissy gurl and was often rewarded by her orgasms brought about by my oral ministrations. I was incredibly distraught (as was she) when her first potential suitor didn't work out. Fortunately they never got to the point where they met, and I'm glad they didn't. Through all of her / our correspondence with him, it just didn't feel "right." Somehow I got the impression that he was a troll - a lot of words, a lot of fluff, but no substance. This put her search on hold for a while because she got a bit depressed about it and her self-image suffered a bit, but I kept encouraging her to not give up.

And while all of this was going on, I continued my project-related international travel. And upon my return home after every trip it always - without fail - felt so good to get into what were, by that time, my "normal" clothes... (Big smile here) - I remember my wife once saying to me: "I get home from work and the first thing I want to do is to take off my bra... YOU get home from work and the first thing YOU want to do is to put ON your bra..." How true! That AAAHHHHH feeling!

And late in 2016, everything changed...

For the better...

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Sissy Gets Her Name

Well, for what it worth, the "history" is almost done. Although I'm quite certain that I'll continue to add to add to it over time... "Oh-by-the-ways" I guess.

As time went on, my perception of myself became more and more clear. This will probably be an interesting - and challenging - post for me to write. I've got some things I want to say, but I don't want them to come off as being superficial or phony... This is something that's incredibly important to me - being who I am - my acceptance of who I am. And the relationship I've got with my beautiful wife is deeper than most people can possibly imagine... We were two lost souls brought together decades ago by chance. Through it all we've somehow grown together and flourished. Over time our relationship has become deeper and more complex, a melding of flavors into a simple yet magnificent dish... The kind you can't get enough to eat. The kind you always come back for. The kind that's always there in the back of your mind... So when you read this, you should consider that context. In this case, the context is everything.

April 2014 was another milestone for me. It marked the first time I bought lingerie for myself. My wife was already accustomed to seeing me wearing panties and the occasional camisole. I was wearing panties almost every day. And I was feeling better about myself than I had felt in (literally) decades. But all the panties and lingerie I wore were things that my wife "donated" to me. I think the act of buying my own lingerie was an explicit affirmation of who I was.

So in April 2014 I bought my own lingerie. Stockings and a really sexy garter belt. Putting them on for the very first time made me feel phenomenally good. Here's the actual picture I saw when I ordered the garter belt. Those of you who are sissies like me know exactly what I'm talking about... The indescribable feeling of the material against your skin. The knowledge that YOU bought it for yourself. The angst of wearing it in front of my wife for that very first time and wondering what she would think...

After that order, I began ordering lingerie for myself more often. Not all the time, but whenever I felt the need to get something special for myself. My wife took that cue and began ordering more things for me as well - including matching bra and panty sets. I was in heaven! Wearing my own lingerie made me feel so "right." Wearing sexy things that my wife had bought for me made me feel special. When I traveled for business internationally and couldn't wear "my things" I felt like something important was missing. It always felt so good (and does today) when I came back from a trip and could dress the way I felt. My wife would sometimes pick me up at the airport and would tell me that she had laid out the things she wanted me to wear when we got home and I got out of the shower. What a special woman!

I was locked up most of the time. I still had "traditional" sex with my wife, but less and less frequently. It was apparent to both of us that she preferred oral sex (me going down on her) much more than she preferred our traditional lovemaking. Don't get me wrong, orgasms felt great. But I always experienced a huge emotional letdown after having an orgasm - knowing that I hadn't pleased her and that she felt she was only doing her wifely duty made me feel terrible, especially given how I now thought of myself - as a sissy. We talked about that often...

My nighttime discussions with my wife continued to evolve. We talked more about how I didn't please her when making love with her as a "man" but definitely did when I made love with her as a sissy. Somehow that didn't bother me at all. Perhaps that's because I already knew that I didn't please her with my "manly" lovemaking. It always left me frustrated and emotionally drained, even if I was never courageous (to that point in my life) to confess my feelings to her... She didn't yet use the term "sissy", but she kept encouraging me to not make love with her as a man, but to do so in the only way that I DID please her. My orgasms went down in number and shifted slowly. Where they were previously almost exclusively from penetrative sex, they became more from her stimulating me manually, or having me masturbate while she watched. The shift was slow, but apparent to me. And the first time she told me to play with myself while she watched my heart just about leapt out of my chest! Especially when she said it made her wet to watch me...

My periods in chastity increased in duration. I felt more aware... More aroused... Energized... More feminine every day it seemed. And it felt GOOD to me. Being out of my chastity cage and trying to make love with my wife as a "man" felt somehow wrong... Abnormal... I loved being between my wife's legs, cuddling with her and playing with her breasts while dressed en femme. I loved that there was no pressure on me to initiate penetrative sex after that. I loved that I could play with her for long periods, then slowly kiss and lick my way down until I finally reached her (invariably soaking wet) pussy and gently begin pleasuring her. This is what I wanted. This is who I was. This is who I wanted to be. And my wife - God bless her - accepted and supported me completely.

Slowly, we began to have deeper discussions about her desire to still have penetrative sex. To feel a man's cock in her. Yes, I already knew about cuckolding. Yes, I already knew about her college boyfriend having sex with her and making her cum. Yes, I had already been cuckolded by my first wife. And no, it wasn't her who brought it up...

It was me.

I don't remember the exact day that the topic crossed my lips, but I do remember asking her to fantasize about a MAN fucking her one night while I was between her legs licking her. By this time, she was calling me "sissy," "sissy gurl," or (to my great happiness) "sissy Lauren." and referring to the locked-up thing between my legs as a "clitty," which always aroused me. I remember looking up from licking her to see her with her head thrown back, lips apart, eyes shut, and her hands pulling and pinching her nipples in ecstasy... An incredible view into her fantasy as I continued to pleasure her orally. It made me feel incredible inside, and I confess that my clitty was dripping profusely. It wasn't so much a "fantasy" for me to think about my wife cuckolding me as it was a fervent (and very, very real) desire on my part to know that my wife was getting all the physical pleasure she (deep down) needed but was afraid to ask for. But the mental picture wasn't bad for me either...

For a long time, our lovemaking followed that model, with occasional variations on the theme. I would begin by stimulating her breasts, then begin verbally painting a picture of her with a man...With her making love with a man and thinking of all the things they would be doing together. A man with a real cock instead of the tiny thing between my legs. A man who could have sex with her for more than a minute before cumming. And all the time I would be gently licking her pussy. Getting her more and more aroused. I'd occasionally ask her to describe what she was fantasizing about. I'd occasionally ask her to play with herself while fantasizing about a man making love with her. I'd ask her to play with herself while comparing the man in her fantasies with me - her sissy husband... The scenes were very arousing to me as a sissy, and seeing her in such bliss made me love her even more.

Kinky? Definitely. I knew that I pleased her when I made love with her as a sissy. Much more so than when I pretended to be a man. But at the same time, I knew that she wanted and needed "real sex." But given her upbringing the emotional guilt for her was incredible. Even today, several years later, she still has occasional pangs... The most important thing for me though was that she be happy - emotionally and physically. She had already done so much for me by being so supportive, accepting, and loving for me for so many years.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

And a Blogger Discovery...

How interesting...

My normal web browser is Firefox. When I access my new blog using Firefox and try to respond to a comment, here's what I see. Notice that that the first item is "Google Account." What's interesting is that I CAN'T respond to someone's comments using Firefox. I think it's a script thing.
But when I open my blog using Internet Explorer, then do the same things, I see that the generic "Google Account" is automatically replaced by my Google Profile information as shown below, and I have no problems responding to comments. Seems that IE "remembered me" where Firefox didn't.


This is something I'll have to look at. It COULD be a cookies thing... It's very possible that I've got cookies turned off in my Firefox browser (remember that "I don't like sharing any information with anyone" thing I've talked about in my blog??).

"M" Learns More About Who I Am

(Sigh) Allow me to ramble for a minute...

There are lots of links to Blogspot sites about and for sissies. Unfortunately, it seems that many of the sites are either deceased, shills for junk, or just placeholders for "future content." In looking at some of the sites that I browsed through, it seems that there is a lifecycle period of three to five years. The sites start out so promising. But after that period of time, they just end. I don't mean that they slowly peter out, I mean that they "fall off a cliff." One day the blog author is enthusiastically posting and the next day there's nothing. I wonder why that is? Perhaps a move to a different place? Perhaps the creative juices dry up? Perhaps some sort of personal crisis? Or something else altogether?

If you've read my blog so far, you'll see my recognition in my early life that I was different than other males. Physical characteristics notwithstanding, I was different in my head as well. I think three things contributed to the turmoil in my head:
  • I grew up in a very patriarchal household where gender roles were very traditional and fixed. You were either a boy or a girl, man or woman, defined completely by what you had between your legs. A very loving household - absolutely - but rigid.
  • When I was young, I didn't have a lot of friends of either gender. Moving around a lot contributed to that, but I also tended to not make friends easily. As a young child, I just didn't gravitate to other boys as close friends, and knowing that girls had cooties and boogers didn't make them appealing to me either.
  • I grew up as a "loner." Lost in my own world in many ways. As a loner, I looked at the person-to-person interactions going on around me (and yes, I OBSERVED them in silent solitude a LOT) and just wasn't comfortable in my own head with the notion of traditional relationships. I just couldn't see myself in those kinds of interactions so I withdrew even more.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to present an image of myself as this solitary loner who grows up to be a serial killer like you see on the news. Not at all. I engaged with others all the time. I laughed. I played. I had a great mom and dad who encouraged me to explore lots of different things. I DID lots of things with others. I just didn't have close relationships with others while doing all those things because I felt different.

As I entered my teens, I still didn't engage in friendships with other males. It seemed easier for me to build relationships with girls. At least talking relationships. Not "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationships. Not deep "bare your soul" close relationships by any stretch, but "get to know you... friend zone" friendships. And I was comfortable with that.

When I matured, my differences became more apparent to me, and I kept them hidden. Outwardly, I presented this "manly man" image. Inside I was in turmoil. Emotional agony.

And then, around the turn of the century, reconciliation and acceptance. Emotional freedom. We're talking "breath of fresh air" freedom. And it felt (and feels) so incredibly good!

The decade we're in currently has been a decade of change, of growth, and of exploration and discovery. It started with my wife buying my chastity cage and (tentatively at first) clicking the lock. It continued with routine, open nighttime discussions about her, me, what we're thinking and feeling, and what makes us happy. I told her that I wanted to wear panties and other women's underwear and lingerie. Pretty quickly she started putting some of hers into my drawer. Not that we were the same size at all, but given today's stretchy materials it somehow worked out. In fact, she bought me some panties. Nothing frilly, nothing lacy, just plain bikini panties in a variety of colors. God I love that woman! Almost right away I was wearing panties all the time. Every day. At home... At work... Everywhere. That simple act was an affirmation for me and I saw myself becoming more and more outside like the person I felt like inside.

Exploration and discovery progressed slowly, but pretty consistently. Nothing that really "pushed boundaries" in any kind of huge leap, just slow and steady progression. Where she kept my locked up for only short periods of time at first (think "chastity play") and unlocked me pretty regularly for "traditional" lovemaking, I noticed that more and more often I would end up with my head between her legs or cuddling and snuggling for long periods of time. And I was fine with that because I loved it and because I didn't have to feel bad anymore when I tried to please her like a man and failed miserably.

I regret to say (only because it's a character flaw that I have I guess) that I'm anally retentive - I keep track of details over long periods of time. Thus I can honestly say that in 2013 I got my Christmas present chastity cage, that we had it for 348 days that year, that I was locked-up for 229 days that year and that my longest period locked was 16 days, and that I had a grand total of 35 orgasms that year.

Remember how I said in an earlier post that my wife finally confessed and told me that I had never really pleased her when I made love with her as a man? Well... 2013 was the first year I kept track, and (I guess I'm proud to say) my wife's orgasms exceeded my own. Given that early (and for a long time thereafter) into our marriage I didn't engage in oral sex with her (to my great chagrin now), she spent a LOT of years without an orgasm that wasn't self-induced. So her orgasms in 2013 that I kept track of were due to me "practicing my technique" orally. And knowing that I could make her cum orally where I couldn't do so through penetrative sex reinforced my self-image even more. I've seen chastity blogs where it's said that keeping a husband locked up results in a lot more (and better) oral sex for the wife. I'll confirm that's true... On both counts!

And as long as my wife was getting the pleasure she deserved, that was all that mattered. The fact she accepted me for being "different" was just icing on the cake! She didn't know HOW "different"...


Saturday, September 16, 2017


For about 3 years, from 2008 until 2011 my job took me to a part of the world where having the kinds of thoughts that I was having was a very dangerous thing. The kind of thing that could earn you a death sentence. But it's interesting what you can find if you set your mind to it. I was already actively searching the Internet for more information (and yes, of course erotica) about "those like me." But when I traveled, I couldn't do any of that because all of my normal websites were blocked. But of course there are ways around the blocks. Interestingly, I learned that the US government actually sponsors some of the technologies that enable people to bypass government Internet access controls. So I installed a VPN tunnel on my personal laptop and continued to browse. That worked for a couple of years, sometimes better than others, but at least it was something...

It was during those years that I explored this thing called "male chastity." It was during those years that I learned more about "feminization" and being a sissy. It was during those years that I learned more - oh so much more - about separating the fantasy from the reality. It was during those years that I finally discovered my sense of self. It was during those years that I finally accepted who I was and was able to articulate to myself what that meant. It was during those years that I discovered the courage to open a dialog with my wife. Slowly. Gently.

I remember saying out loud to myself for the very first time... "I... Am... A... SISSY."

And saying it to myself - out loud - made me feel GOOD about myself. Having the ongoing emotional conflict that had gone on for so long finally resolve itself made me feel so incredibly GOOD!

I discovered so many erotica websites. So many blogs. So much information. It was hard separating the fantasy from the reality. At least at first. I think I got better at it as time went on. The sites that I felt were "real" I continued to visit. Those that seemed to be more fictional I began to bypass. Yes, of course I still visited some of them from time to time to arouse my prurient interests, but less and less frequently.

A quick sidebar! It was during this time that I also discovered that many of the sites I visited also tried to download computer viruses to my machine! Yes, I got spammed. Yes, I got viruses. Yes, I got really good at re-imaging and rebuilding my machine from backups. I'm a lot more careful now. A LOT more.

In 2011 I made a chastity device based on what I had read and the pictures I had seen. A "home built." Being pretty creative, and being pretty good with tools, it was actually quite nice. But I kept it secret. By this time, I was spending more of my time (when I was home) wearing panties and (occasionally) pantyhose. But they were my wife's, not MINE. This too I kept secret. But I wanted my own panties. I wanted my own "girly things." When I was in bed with my wife, I'd initiate discussions more frequently with her about what she liked and didn't like. I'd initiate discussions with her about her life before we met. It's during this time that I learned about her college boyfriend. It was during this time that I learned that I never made her cum when we had sex. It was during this time that I learned that while I couldn't please her when making love with her as a man, I could very definitely please her when I made love with her like a girl. And these things confirmed my sense of self. They confirmed that I really was different from a "man." Beyond the obvious size difference I mean.

In 2011 and 2012 I was traveling internationally for business quite a bit. Sometimes to places where I felt I was still in the dark ages if you take my point. Sometimes to places that were much more civilized. When I was home, I spent a lot of time in my home-built. But uncaged whenever I was on the road. When I was home, my wife and I would continue our discussions about sexuality. I would wear my home-built chastity device often during the day, but would take it off at night when I was in bed with my wife. I loved how it made me feel. I would raid my wife's panty drawer often. Sometimes now I wonder if she noticed... Wearing my chastity device and panties didn't feel weird, it felt completely "right."

Slowly - ever so slowly - I got her to open up. Got her to tell me more about what she was thinking. And at the same time I tried to put MY feelings into words. I've read so many times about those who just dumped everything on someone in one shot, like ripping away a Band Aid. That was definitely NOT the case for me. Maybe I was scared. Meh. I just felt more comfortable taking things slowly. It seemed that peeling back each layer of the onion made it easier and less traumatic when I peeled back the next layer. Sometimes I smile when I think of those days and our discussions... Feeling our way through.

When I was traveling, I talked with my wife every night. Every... Single... Night... And I eMailed her almost every day as well. Having discovered the miracle of Blogspot and Tumblr, I was doing a lot of browsing and looking through images - almost always captioned. My eMails would almost always include pictures with captions that portrayed how I was feeling on any given day. Invariably chastity-related. Or dominant-wife related. Or sissy-related.

Late in 2012 I told my wife that I was interested in chastity. I don't think it really came as a shock to her as we had talked generally about the topic a lot, and many of the images I had sent to her portrayed chastity-related themes. What made the discussion stand out was that I asked her if she would buy me a chastity device for a Christmas present. Having done all my research, and having had some experience with my home-built device, I even sent her the link to the site. And so it was in January 2013 that my Mature Metal Jailbird arrived and life as I knew it changed forever...

And the mental picture I had of  myself came into clearer focus...

Thursday, September 14, 2017

An Erotic Story Changes My Life

Six or seven years ago, I was browsing the Internet and came across Saragirl's "A Change in Our Marriage" on some random erotica website. Reading the story of Sara and John led to my epiphany...

Sara told John that he never made her cum when he made love with her as a man... Sometimes she just wanted a man to bend her over a chair and fuck her... And make her cum...

Shameless plug here, Saragirl!

Later, I found Sara Desmarais on Amazon and the rest was history. The story reached into my soul and forced me to confront myself in a lot of ways. I read and re-read A Change in Our Marriage all the time.

Confession time: I've had sex with a grand total of two women in my life. I'm not very experienced. When I was married to "J" I thought I was an adequate lover and I always tried to "give as well as I got." But now, many years later, I'm absolutely certain that I never made her cum when I made love with her as a man. She led me to believe that she too was inexperienced, but the things she did and the things she wanted us to do together when we made love convinced me that she was far more experienced than she said. Perhaps that's why she cuckolded me and we separated.

It took a long, long time before I screwed up the courage to ask, but about 4 years ago I finally asked "M" if I've ever made her cum when I made love with her as a man. She hemmed and hawed around it for a long time - months in fact - but I was persistent.

She finally confessed that the answer was that I've never made her cum when making love with her like a man. But when I make love with her like a gurl I make her cum often.

"M" told me a long time ago that she had one boyfriend before we met - in college (I did say she led a conservative - read "cloistered" life - didn't I?). While not a sex fiend, she and her college boyfriend had sex routinely, and yes, he did make her cum when they had sex. Not all the time, but (in "M"'s words) frequently. When she first told me that, I found it quite depressing. Needless to say, this had a pretty significant effect on my self image.

She shared with me some of the positions they had sex in, and it became pretty apparent to me that there's no way she and I could have sex in those positions given my size (or lack thereof). She was pretty serious about him, but they broke up when she learned he was cheating on her.

When we were dating, I went down on "M" several times, and somehow got the impression that she didn't care for it. To this day I'm not sure where that impression came from though. Silly me! Fast forward several decades, and she told me that she DID enjoy it... A LOT... but was too afraid to ask (I did say "cloistered life" didn't I? She was of the impression that "good girls" didn't ask for things like that...

I routinely kick myself whenever I think of that. All that time lost! All those years of sexual satisfaction for her... WASTED! I felt absolutely TERRIBLE! Lower than low.

Fortunately, I'm making up for it now! But now when I lick "M"'s pussy, I consider myself a true maestro! I derive true bliss from spending hours at a time gently teasing her with my tongue. And when she finally DOES cum, it's earth shattering for her and intensely satisfying for me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Acknowledging Who I Am

My wife had very little lingerie that one would consider "sexy." Most of what she wore would be considered "granny panties" or plain bras. She rarely wore pantyhose, and never wore stockings.

I've read - over and over again - tales about what it felt like that first time... That very first time... When you put on that very first pair of panties or that first time you draw the stockings up your legs.

She had one pair of panties that I considered (at the time) sexy. A pair of white, lacy bikini panties. She kept them separate from all her other lingerie. 

Of course you know what happened.

And yes, it made me feel EXACTLY like all the stories say.

I remember the feeling when I first took them from her drawer. I remember the feeling when I first pulled them up my legs and felt the material against my skin.

Until that moment, when I looked down, this is what I saw. Not shaved, but from a size perspective, this is exactly what I saw. This is exactly how I felt. I didn't know I was a sissy at the time, just different.

But in that moment. In that glorious moment... I was transformed. The most incredible feeling. My entire world shrank down to a tiny sphere of awareness around me alone and exploded in a sense of "rightness." As I write this, I think of a supernova... Of a star being pulled in by its own gravity... Getting smaller and more intense with each passing second... Then exploding...

That was me. That was my emotions.

I knew. I KNEW who I was. I understood finally. FINALLY.

The style is different, but for those of us who wear panties all the time, you'll understand exactly what was going through my head when I looked down and saw this...


I didn't wear the panties all the time. It took a while before I tried on her pantyhose. But of course I did. And of course I occasionally wore both the panties and the pantyhose to work. 

And it made me feel glorious! It made me feel "right."

And then came the miracle of the Internet. 

And I learned that while I might be different, I wasn't truly alone. There were others like me. Just like me.

Monday, September 11, 2017


A few weeks after the wedding, I "M" for the first time. This was in a time before eMail or texting, so it was a phone call or nothing. It turns out that "M" was living about 80 miles from where I was living in California. She had recently moved there from the midwest and was living in an apartment and working in a company run by a college friend.

Very uncharacteristically (for me), I asked if I could see her and she agreed.

That first call led to a first date, which led to a second date. And so on. Our relationship progressed slowly. She was recovering from a bad relationship, as was I. For my part, I was still sorting my way through all of my feelings of being cuckolded by "J" and, while I didn't think about it every day or all the time, the feeling - the emotion - was always in the background.

"M" was a pretty conservative girl. Very inexperienced sexually (or so I thought until much later in life). Our sex life while dating was very conservative. None of the "hot monkey sex" that "J" and I had engaged in. "M" dressed comfortably and conservatively. Her parents, living an 8-hour drive to the north, were staunch conservatives. She slowly brought me back to life again. I liked her. I liked her a lot. She slowly pulled me out of my shell. She repaired me. She saved me.

Six months later I asked her to marry me. And later that year we married.

Life was good. Life was very good.

About two months after we married, we moved to Florida for my work, and "M" settled into more of a homemaker role while I went to work every day.

And thus we spent the next few years... Moving periodically for work, kids, trips for business. About as "boring" as you can imagine.

And all the time, there continued in my mind this nagging question... "Is this who I really am?... Is this really my life?" The question... The always-unanswered-question.

Always the frustration of not being able to answer the question. As I write this, why am I reminded of the interplay between Trinity and Neo at the start of "The Matrix?"

Remember, this was still before the Internet became what it is today. Well before Blogspot, Tumblr, and other media sites came into being. I just knew in my heart that something wasn't completely right. Something was missing.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

A New Chapter Begins

So there I was... Going to work every day. Living day to day. Going to happy hour every Friday night. Basically, just goinog through the motions of life. Nothing monumental going on at all.

So several months went by and I finally got on with things. A very good friend and colleague invited a bunch of us from work to go to his wedding, which was going to happen in a town about 400 miles away from where we all worked. So the group of us decided to rent a motor home and "road trip" it to the site for his wedding. I guess we figured it would be a lot less expensive than flying there or driving up individually. So the day before the wedding, we all set out on the most incredible road trip. We partied all the way there (except for the designated driver who remained - thankfully - sober). I don't every remember - before or ever since - consuming so many margaritas.

So we pulled into town, all falling down drunk, and met up with the groom, and got ourselves set for the night.

The wedding was uneventful (at least for those of us who were spectators). But it was the reception where we pulled out all the stops... My roomie and I made a vow (in a drunken stupor of course) that we would dance with every woman at the reception. I think... I THINK we succeeded.

But over the course of the evening, I met HER. I met the woman who would fundamentally change my life. The woman who saved me.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

I Wonder if Anyone Even Reads This...

I read some blogs. There are perhaps 4 or 5 that I read regularly. I get the impression that there are many people who read them other than me, at least based on the number of comments that I see.

But nobody has commented at all to my posts.

Perhaps it's because my blog is relatively new.
Perhaps it's because my life - while interesting to me - isn't interesting to others.
Perhaps it's for some other reason.

Don't know...

I guess it doesn't really matter. I'll continue to tell my story, because it's important to me. Perhaps some sort of catharsis for me.

Monday, September 4, 2017

You May Have Noticed

So far in my (short) blog, I've recounted some of the story of my life. It's interesting how the act of writing things down forces you to think of them. For some of my posts, I've started out with something short, but that initially short post explodes into additional details and ends up being pretty long. And even as long as some of my posts are, they pale in comparison to the actual details of what was going on in my life at the time.

But at the same time, I am intentionally being vague in some details. A lot of the details in fact. To understand why, you have to understand that I am an intensely introverted person. I simply don't share details about myself very often or very openly. If you met me on the street, and if you got to know me, you would never, ever know that I'm the person writing this blog. It would seem so uncharacteristic of me. I have to smile to myself as I say that I'm probably a marketer's worst nightmare. I don't shop online very much, I don't give out identifying information when I DO shop, I'm not influenced by commercials or advertisements at all, I buy only what I really need, and only when I really need it. More often than not, I pay using cash. Living in an urban area as I do, I live pretty much under the grid. I don't avoid it completely, but I minimize my exposure to it. Social media? Nope. Don't trust them. Credit cards? Minimal (and rare) use. I don't trust government and I don't trust many of the big companies out there. As a result, those around me - family, friends, work colleagues, and others might think they know me, but they really don't.

It has been perhaps 10 years or so that I've begun to explore the person I really am. I can honestly say that it has come as a breath of fresh air. Liberating? Emotionally freeing? Yeah. Those things. And much more I guess. On one hand, that newfound emotional freedom cries out to me... Demanding that I share my story. On the other hand, there's this introverted side of me. This fear of discovery. So I AM sharing my story, but slowly and carefully. I WANT to share my story, but at the same time be completely and absolutely protective of my privacy.

So as I go forward with my history, you should expect that I'll be very, very careful in my choice of words. There will be a lot of details that I intentionally leave out. I'll probably focus more on how I felt when things were happening, and less on the prurient details of what happened. I hope you'll forgive me for that, but if not (shoulders shrugging) it's my blog.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

I Thought We Were a Perfect Fit...

I was living on the west coast in southern California. "J" was just outside Atlanta. We got married in the city where we had gone to school... It was a very nice wedding. I was in Heaven. We had our honeymoon in the Virgin Islands. "J" had a big issue with swollen ankles during our honeymoon, which really put a crimp on our sightseeing - it was just too painful for her to walk around a lot. So we spent a lot of time hanging around. No, we weren't sequestered in the hotel the whole time, but it's not like we spent a lot of time exploring.

When we got back, she moved to California with me. My job was about 30 miles from our apartment in one direction, hers was about 30 miles in the other direction. We saw each other in the evenings. I knew that our first couple of years would be like that while we got our feet underneath us.

But everything seemed to be going very well. We loved each other - at least I thought so. Maybe I was blind.

Our sex life was very good. At least I thought so. Of course I was inexperienced (relatively), having only been with "J". She told me that I was her first, and (at the time) I had no reason to doubt her. In later years, I came to believe that "J" was a whole lot more experienced than I was. At the time, it just seemed like she was much more sexually aggressive than I was. It seemed like she took the lead all the time with everything we did. Not that I minded... Not that I minded at all!

After several months, she started spending more time away from our apartment. Given the nature of her job, that wasn't completely unexpected. But it also seemed that she was distant even when she WAS home. Of course you know where this ends up, right?

I found it... She wrote him a letter in which she told him how good he made her feel. She told him how unsatisfying I was. She told him how she thought of him when she was in bed with me. All the things you would expect to see in a letter from a woman to the man she's cuckolding her husband with. Remember, this was decades before the Internet and eMail. Decades before Tumblr, Wordpress, or Blogspot. I hadn't even heard of the word "cuckolding" at that point in my life. All I knew was that she was having sex with another man. All I knew was that my beautiful, loving wife was willingly giving her body to another... And her she was, telling him how much better he was in bed and how much she wanted him to make love with her... Seeing the words written down... Thinking of her SAYING those things to him... I could almost hear her saying them to ME. Telling ME how much better HE was in bed...

What I remember most was the shot of adrenaline that flowed through my body at the time. I remember that for several days after I learned she was fucking a man and I confronted her that I couldn't sit still. I was jumpy. I was in incredible emotional turmoil.  I strongly suspect... I'm almost certain... That on more than one occasion I got sloppy seconds... That I cleaned "J"'s pussy after she fucked her lover. Remember, I KNEW that I was smaller than other males. Remember, I was a very emotionally insecure person... Knowing that my wife was fucking a man reinforced all my inadequacies from growing up...

We separated almost immediately. I saw her a couple more times after that, and went over to her new apartment after she moved out. It was pretty obvious that she was getting along just fine without me. I didn't recognize it at the time when I saw her new apartment (a lot close to her work), but reflecting back on it now, it was obvious that her man was there regularly.

Emotionally, I was devastated for months. The legal paperwork came through and I signed it. The legal separation was as amicable as it could be I guess... I was going through life in a daze. I moved from our shared apartment back to the apartment I was in before, with the same roommate I had before "J" and I got married and tried to piece my life back together again.

It was slow.

As I think back on the whole thing now, decades later, my wife "J" cuckolded me with a man because I was incapable of fully satisfying her as a man. I guess that just reinforced my perception of myself...