A Scene from Last Night

<What she's saying>
"Keep going Lauren. Keep going. Yessss. Right there... That's right sissy gurl. Keep licking me right there."

<What she's thinking>
"Ohhhh... Yesssss... Stop teasing me, Allen.  I want you so bad. Fuck me Allen... I want to feel your cock in me Allen."

<What she's saying>
"Make me cum with that sissy tongue Lauren. Ohhhh... You're gonna make me cum sissy gurl..."

<What she's thinking>
"Yessss... You're so big Allen. Fill me up baby! Cum in me baby. I wanna feel you cum in me! Ohhhh... So good... You're so incredible! Fill me baby... Make me cum!"

<What she's saying>
"Unggghhhh... Cumming.... I'm cumming...."

<What she's thinking>
"So good Allen... You always make me cum so good when you fuck me like that... Nobody fucks my pussy like you do Allen!"

<What she's saying>
"So good Lauren... You always make me cum so good when you lick me like that... Nobody licks my pussy like you do sissy gurl!"

As a sissy gurl, I take my pleasures where I can...

M told me last night after this very scene played out that she and Allen have a date scheduled for Wednesday. No doubt that's why she's been getting more and more worked up for the past couple of days. Always happens that way! She becomes a tigress in bed starting a couple of days beforehand. Huh... Must be the anticipation.

Happy 4th of July!!!

Every time I think of it, I realize just how lucky I am to be able to be just who I am...

To be just the sissy I am...

I have all of the physical trappings of the good life, but more importantly - oh so much more importantly - I have a deep sense of peace and emotional well being.

On this 4th of July, I'd like to wish all of you - all of my online friends - all my love and wishes for the best.

But most importantly I'd like to give all my thoughts, feelings, prayers, and goodwill wishes for those men and women who have sacrificed so very much to make it all possible for all of us. Those who make that sacrifice willingly. Every day. Without complaint or rancor.

Without you... Ever vigilant in guarding and defending the gates of our freedom... Nothing else would be possible.

Sometimes I Feel So...

Ever since I can remember, I pictured this.

Then I made it my reality, and I felt incredible. The more feminine the lingerie, the better I felt. The more "right" I felt...

Years later, I'm at the point in my life where I don't wake up every morning and think to myself "I am a sissy gurl." Intellectually, I know I am, but I think it's more like I don't think to myself about how tall I am, or how much I weigh, or what color my eyes are. As with all those things, my being a sissy is just a fact of my life. It's who I am. I don't explicitly think to myself "today I feel like a sissy so I'll wear panties." I just put them on every day because to NOT put them on would make me feel weird.

But some days are different...

A LOT different...

Like today...

I wake up feeling incredible and have the most amazing, explicit vision of myself in my head. I see myself as I feel myself to be... If that makes sense!

This morning when I woke up (early as usual), I felt that way. I felt incredibly "sissy." I had this crystal-clear, mental picture of myself as a sissy that was overwhelming, and the intensity of the accompanying emotions made me feel fantastic all over.

It was several more hours before M woke up and came downstairs for her breakfast. When she did, I had to share how I felt with her. I felt like I was bursting with the emotion of it all and had to get it out. M has a busy day in front of her today - a half-day at work, then she's off to see an IMAX movie with one of the kids this evening. But when I told her how I was feeling, she smiled her Mona Lisa smile at me, and I immediately had the most incredible daydream...

I've got this sense that perhaps my daydream will turn into reality later tonight...

Yes...

Oh YES!

But I've still got this vision of myself in my head. It's now more than six hours since I woke up this morning, and I keep picturing myself all soft, completely smooth, and wearing my sexiest lingerie. I keep picturing myself as the sissy gurl I am, in front of a man, pleasing him the way I really, truly want to... It's something I've done several times now with M's boyfriends, and I keep remembering how it made me feel.

So warm...

So natural...

So "right."

Knowing how it makes me feel, I wish I could be doing this today...

Life Has Such Challenges

I feel bad for M...

I really feel bad.

This picture (disregarding the caption) illustrates M's week... She was supposed to have a date with Allen on Wednesday, and - after not seeing him for a while - was all worked up as she thought about her time with him. As last weekend came to a close, I could see her anticipation growing day by day. Tuesday evening rolled around and she was like a cat on a hot tin roof... It seemed like she couldn't sit still for all of her excitement.

Then on Wednesday morning when I was at work, I got a text message from her telling me that he had to cancel at the last minute. Seems like things were crazy at work and he wouldn't be able to sneak out as he had planned.

Damn!

 So she spent her time puttering around the house, trying (and failing I think) to come down from the emotional "high" she had worked herself into. Even after I got home, she was still excited, and she spent a lot of time texting with him on and off all evening long... She was still texting him when I finally fell asleep.

In my mind, I wonder if she played with herself after I fell asleep. I know she's done that before - she's told me that she has.

Thursday was another weird day. We've had a lot of rain this week, and things were wet all over. The rain let up on Wednesday evening, and Thursday looked like a good day for her to take the dog for a nice, long walk during the day.

As on Wednesday, I get this text while at work... "I'm back from the walk, but I slipped and fell. Fortunately the dog didn't run off while I was on the ground..." It wasn't until later when I got home that I learned tat the reality was a lot worse than her text made it seem. There's this local park with a nice walking trail where M likes to take the dog. There are long stretches of the trail that have a raised wooden "boardwalk." You can see where this is going, right? With all the rain we've had, the wood got very wet. And when the rain stopped, the wood got really slick. M was watching the dog, and not where she was putting her feet. Of course, she slipped. Of course she took a HARD fall. Trashed her knee and her hip. Let go of the leash when she fell. But the dog didn't run off (as he likes to do whenever he can). 

When she was getting ready for bed, I saw just how bad it really was... A huge bruise on her hip - it looked like her whole hip was yellow and purple. And she told me that after she picked herself up, she had to struggle for close to two miles to get back to her car. In pain the whole way. With a rambunctious dog... Who took advantage of the situation by finding another dog's poop and rolling around in it... So M had to completely wash the dog when she got home.

Even today, days later, she's in pain. I feel so bad for her... Sometimes things just go to Hell in an handbasket. And of course, with her hip in such pain, she doesn't even want me to snuggle between her legs and gently lick her - that's how I know how much pain she's REALLY in!

Communication with Allen

M is out on her date with Allen even as I sit here writing this. About 15 minutes ago, he sent me a selfie of him holding her from her phone. An incredible smile on her face. Then about 5 minutes ago, he sent me another selfie of her sucking his cock with the simple caption "I  love how your wife sucks my cock."

I have this feeling that I'll be getting a number of text messages over the next couple of hours.

They don't normally send a lot of messages to me during their time together. Occasionally one or two, but nothing like I think today will be like.

I can hardly wait!

And I somehow think that this will be me in a few hours. YUMMY!

M Has a Date with Allen Today, and I'm Incredibly Excited!

So M has a date with Allen this afternoon.

I'm not sure who is more excited - her or me.

For some, it might seem odd for me to say that when M has her dates with Allen, and when she returns home with this incredible smile on her face afterward, it is - to me - a validation of my "sissyhood." The reinforcement of who I am and what I am. Knowing that he has given her more pleasure than I ever did when I pretended to be a man, and then seeing that pleasure on her face when she gets home.

A most incredible feeling for me.

At my request last night, M spent a lot of time rubbing my titties and pinching my nipples. She then spent time sucking on them, with occasional breaks to remind me about her date today and how she was looking forward to it. Every time she plays with my nipples, I feel the most incredible sensations and my clitty immediately begins dripping.

Not sure if I ever mentioned this, but I have two clitty cages - a stainless steel Mature Metal Jailbird that I used to wear all the time, and a more-recently-acquired pink Holy Trainer. While I always felt that the Holy Trainer was more comfortable, M didn't like me to wear it because the tube didn't allow good airflow and didn't allow for easy and thorough daily cleaning without taking it off. And M definitely didn't want to take it off! With my change in position, I found myself in a quandry - for various reasons, it would have been problematic for me to wear a stainless steel clitty cage at work, so it looked like the Holy Trainer was the right choice.

Being rather adept at problem-solving, and given that I have plenty of tools at home, I found myself in my workshop the other day with a router and a quarter-inch router bit. A bit of very careful measuring and marking on the tube with an indelible marker, and some very, very careful work with the router, and I had in my hands my "new and improved" Holy Trainer Mod 1 with a series of quarter-inch slots in it. Voila. Airflow and cleaning issues solved. M was thrilled and immediately unlocked my Jailbird and replaced it with the modified Holy Trainer.

So because I haven't done this for a while, and because I really feel like sharing, here are a couple of pictures that capture rather well the look on M's face when she's with Allen and when she gets home from her dates with him. This is what I'll be seeing a bit later today, and the thought is intensely exciting for me.

And Now, to Continue Our Story...

Yes, I keep track of these things...

This morning, when M came downstairs, I said "Happy Anniversary" to her.

"What anniversary?" she asked, looking over at me with a puzzled look on her face. No, it's not our wedding anniversary, not even close.

"Think about it for a while, and if you haven't figured it out in a week or so, I'll tell you." I replied with a small smile.

Since she didn't pick up on it right away, I've got this notion that she won't figure it out. Not today... Not in a week. I don't think she even thinks about it anymore.

It was one year ago today that my clitty was last in her pussy.

365 days ago. I have no doubt... No doubt at all that M doesn't think about my clitty being in her anymore. Not at all now that she has a man to satisfy her properly.

I've been remiss. Very remiss. And as I have said a couple of times, I apologize. My last "real" post was way back at the beginning of January when everything seemed to be going great.

Since then M has been with Allen seven times. It's so unfortunate that their schedules don't work out well. They text almost every day, but he lives about an hour away and between his work and M's work it gets challenging sometimes.

I WILL say that M and Allen are getting more and more comfortable with cuckolding me and spending their time together on their dates. When I'm between her legs licking her, she's much more open with me too - telling me how much he satisfies her. How much better it is when I make love with her like a gurl than it ever was when I pretended to be a man. How she only thinks of Allen when she thinks of "real" sex.

It was back in March, halfway through the month, that she came back from one of her dates with Allen and - with only a bit of prodding on my part - confessed that she had given him her ass for the first time. In stereotypical fashion, I was a bit jealous because that's someplace I've never been in all of our years together. Of course, given the size of my clitty, I think anal would be just a bit problematic if I had ever tried it. I asked her what she thought, and how she felt about it. M told me that she really enjoyed it and that Allen was very gentle that first time so she wasn't nervous at all. And yes, again in stereotypical cuckolding literature fashion, she's told both Allen and me that he will be the only one who will ever have her ass.

I'd have to say that Allen is getting more dominant with me even though I'm not physically present. In fact, I've now only been present at their dates twice. Once way back in November, and more recently in April of this year. M and Allen planned the April date all out in advance and seemed very comfortable with me being there. Allen was much more assertive with me than he was back in November. While he and M spent most of their time just playing with each other, he did get me involved twice during their date.

But oh, the involvement...

Not once, but twice during their date, Allen ordered me to suck his cock while he and M were laying on the bed kissing each other. Wearing only my clitty cage and my panties, I of course did exactly what he told me to do. And exactly as I remembered from the first time I sucked a man's cock, it was glorious! The whole world narrowed down to only one thing - the feeling of Allen's hard cock in my mouth. I'm not sure why this thought just came to my head as I write this, but I'm thinking of his cock as a large and immensely satisfying pacifier in my mouth. I felt utterly content and couldn't think about anything but how good it felt and how good it made me feel to have his cock in my mouth. I wanted to make him cum so badly... But before I could, he pushed me away and directed M to straddle him both times. I felt so denied when he did that!

But I've got this notion that every time I'm allowed to be there in the future, Allen's cock will be in my mouth at least once. I can A) Hardly wait, and B) Vow to all of you reading this that I will do everything I possibly can to get him to fill my sissy mouth with his cum.

Wow. It Really Has Been Too Long

It's interesting the emotions one goes through on getting laid off. The initial depression, then the hope excitement when you see all the positions that you think are a perfect fit. Then the depression again when you apply for them and aren't even contacted. Then the incipient happiness when you think you've found something. Then - finally - the exuberance you feel when you finally DO find a position and begin working again. Being whipsawed back and forth is no fun at all.

Glad it's over.

I started last week in my new position, one that I think I'll really enjoy.

In my absence from this blog, M has gotten together with Allen a number of times, and I was invited to join them once. Allen was much, much more assertive with me when I was there compared with the first time I was with them. I'll eventually put all the details down, but not just yet.

For this post, I just wanted to thank all of you who have commented on my posts for your thoughts. I appreciate them more than you would think.

Now that I'm "gainfully employed" again, I can focus some of my attention on things other than just finding a job. Things around the house and between M and Allen were going on as they normally would while I was looking with the one exception being the fact that I was focused on my job search and spent all my time in that. And yes, I was "properly dressed" all the time. My panties are as much a part of me as anything. My bra and stockings are just "who I am" and I can't imagine getting dressed in the morning and NOT putting on panties! It's not something I would (or could to choose the more appropriate word) even think about. It's part of my DNA I guess...

Remaining Positive has its Advantages!

Whew... Talk about being busy during the last half of the week last week.

Yes, M had her date with Allen, and came home with an incredible smile on her face, as she always does when she sees him. They've taken to sending me text messages with attached pictures when they're together, and it sure LOOKS like they're having a good time...

I had my interview on Wednesday, as expected, and hit an interview home run. I felt incredibly pumped-up when the interview was over. We did it via phone because - as the interviewer said outright - "You live close to us, but some of the other candidates don't, so we want to interview everyone the same way to be completely fair to everyone." I wouldn't say it was a "hard" interview at all. Not too many questions, and I was all over them with background, examples, case studies, et al.

On Thursday, I had a two-hour plus drive to my other interview - the one with the much smaller organization. I spent close to three hours in discussions with the top four people in the organization, and had a blast doing it. We eventually had to stop because they had to jump into other meetings, but they wanted to continue on with more discussions this coming week.

On Friday, I got two eMails from the two interviewers from my Wednesday interview, telling me that they selected me for the position... YEA! So I'll likely have a choice to make in the next week or so...

I think I've mentioned on several occasions about traveling to some really ugly places in the world in my previous position. I've also been traveling for business for a long, long time. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against travel, but it DOES get really old after a while...

Soooooo

One position is a very low-risk position with a huge organization, requiring little (if any) travel. It is in a field that will be completely different than what I did previously, and it will pay a bit less.

The other position is a higher-risk position with a tiny organization, requiring extensive international travel (to some of the places I've been before). The work will be very similar to what I did previously (while it's OK work, it doesn't really "turn me on" the way it used to). It will likely pay a fair amount more.

I guess I've got some thinking to do... Thinking about the tradeoffs of each position.

Even Longer... (Sigh)

Searching for a new position when you're not currently employed is a stressful thing. When I think about it, this is the longest time I've ever been "unemployed." EVER... I confess it does grate on my psyche...

The most annoying thing is that you get the impression from some of the position descriptions that the company is anxious to fill the position. So you get all excited when you submit your paperwork. Then you fall into an "application under review" black hole. Seems like you fall off the face of the Earth.

Sometimes it's tough to keep up your motivation.

But I am a "glass half full" kind of person. I've been accused of being "overly optimistic" or "irrationally exuberant" in the past, and I've always taken it as a compliment. So I continue, patiently and diligently.

And over the past two days, my patience has been rewarded. I've got an interview tomorrow for one position with a very, very large organization, and I've got another interview on Thursday with another - much, much smaller - organization. The first position will entail much less risk and there's a good possibility that I could stay there for the rest of my career. The work would be challenging, but at the same time emotionally rewarding. The second position - the one with the much smaller organization - would be riskier. It would be similar work to what I did previously, and would probably pay a LOT more, but there's a lot of "stability" risk... Hmmmm.

But of course, I'm putting the cart before the horse. I'm only at the interview stage (but I'm convinced I'll hit the ball out of the park)!

So wish me luck!

PS... M has a date with Allen tomorrow afternoon. He ordered some "toys" and had them delivered to our house... She's all excited about that after not being able to see him for a while whilst she was visiting her mother out of state.

Wow... Has it Really Been 9 Days???

To all of you who have offered your thoughts and inspiration to me as I work my way through my job search, thank you. Thank all of you so much.

Lots of rejections obviously - the automated kind - but a couple of good prospects. I've made it through the first couple of hoops in the process with about 4 places. I guess that's a good thing.

Fortunately, oh so fortunately, I've been rather frugal for a while and did a LOT of 401(k) saving. So I'm a lot less worried about retirement than a lot of my peers when it ultimately happens down the road (no, I'm nowhere close to that point yet).

I'm also the kind of person who can "check your ego at the door." What I mean by that is that - while I held a pretty high level position before, there's no reason what I HAVE to do that again. M and I are at a point where we can comfortably get by on a lot less than we could before. That one fact opens a lot of new opportunities for me.

One of the nicest things is that I can finally make a graceful exit from the industry I was supporting before, and can pretty much eliminate the travel to the places I have written so much about in my blog. That will be a welcome change... A very welcome change...

So thanks to all of you, and I'll try to do a better job of keeping you up to date!

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same...

Just a very short update as I continue with my job search.

There are many, oh so very many positions I've found that I would excel at. But that's not surprising given my background. The most frustrating thing is that when you submit an application or a CV, you go into a period of stasis - a period of waiting for a response. In my previous position, it was an unwritten expectation that we would respond one way or the other within a single business day - two days at most - when recruiting people. We did it because we needed the people, but more importantly because (culturally) it was the "polite thing to do." But it's pretty apparent that that kind of culture is definitely NOT the norm.

So that addresses the "The more things change" portion of the post...

And now on to the "The more they stay the same" portion...

Yesterday, M had a date with Allen.

As always, she came home later - hours and hours later - with this huge smile on her face.

He always pleases her so much better than I ever did...

Major, Major Turmoil in my Life...

But absolutely none of it is related to my being a sissy...

Right around the end of the year, I came down with that really nasty flu bug that's going around. The one that the flu vaccine doesn't really work for because the powers that be guessed incorrectly as to the strain for this year. I was pretty much bed ridden for about 5 days, and didn't really start feeling like myself until Wednesday the 3rd.

So about half the time, I was able to work from home, and the other half of the time I worked from an office. Convenient because of all my international travel. And with technology being what it is, and with the profession I'm in, I am fortunate that I can work equally well in an office or at home.

So I had a call with my boss on the 3rd, and learned that (as the Brits would say) my "position has been made redundant." That's a polite way of saying that I've been laid off.

Major bummer...

So that explains why I haven't been posting at all, and I apologize for that.

My full-time job right now is to find a full-time job! All things being said, I've been gainfully unemployed since the 9th of January, so it hasn't been so long yet, and because of my severance I've still got my pay and benefits for a couple months. But still there's this underlying stress.

Happy New Year!

And I hope it's a joyous one for everyone!

I read in the news how cold it was on New Year's Eve. As for me, I was fast asleep by 6 o'clock PM with a dire case of that nasty flu that's going around. I'm only now getting over it. Not completely better yet, but at least well enough that I can start work again - from home.