Clarity

For about 3 years, from 2008 until 2011 my job took me to a part of the world where having the kinds of thoughts that I was having was a very dangerous thing. The kind of thing that could earn you a death sentence. But it's interesting what you can find if you set your mind to it. I was already actively searching the Internet for more information (and yes, of course erotica) about "those like me." But when I traveled, I couldn't do any of that because all of my normal websites were blocked. But of course there are ways around the blocks. Interestingly, I learned that the US government actually sponsors some of the technologies that enable people to bypass government Internet access controls. So I installed a VPN tunnel on my personal laptop and continued to browse. That worked for a couple of years, sometimes better than others, but at least it was something...

It was during those years that I explored this thing called "male chastity." It was during those years that I learned more about "feminization" and being a sissy. It was during those years that I learned more - oh so much more - about separating the fantasy from the reality. It was during those years that I finally discovered my sense of self. It was during those years that I finally accepted who I was and was able to articulate to myself what that meant. It was during those years that I discovered the courage to open a dialog with my wife. Slowly. Gently.

I remember saying out loud to myself for the very first time... "I... Am... A... SISSY."

And saying it to myself - out loud - made me feel GOOD about myself. Having the ongoing emotional conflict that had gone on for so long finally resolve itself made me feel so incredibly GOOD!

I discovered so many erotica websites. So many blogs. So much information. It was hard separating the fantasy from the reality. At least at first. I think I got better at it as time went on. The sites that I felt were "real" I continued to visit. Those that seemed to be more fictional I began to bypass. Yes, of course I still visited some of them from time to time to arouse my prurient interests, but less and less frequently.

A quick sidebar! It was during this time that I also discovered that many of the sites I visited also tried to download computer viruses to my machine! Yes, I got spammed. Yes, I got viruses. Yes, I got really good at re-imaging and rebuilding my machine from backups. I'm a lot more careful now. A LOT more.

In 2011 I made a chastity device based on what I had read and the pictures I had seen. A "home built." Being pretty creative, and being pretty good with tools, it was actually quite nice. But I kept it secret. By this time, I was spending more of my time (when I was home) wearing panties and (occasionally) pantyhose. But they were my wife's, not MINE. This too I kept secret. But I wanted my own panties. I wanted my own "girly things." When I was in bed with my wife, I'd initiate discussions more frequently with her about what she liked and didn't like. I'd initiate discussions with her about her life before we met. It's during this time that I learned about her college boyfriend. It was during this time that I learned that I never made her cum when we had sex. It was during this time that I learned that while I couldn't please her when making love with her as a man, I could very definitely please her when I made love with her like a girl. And these things confirmed my sense of self. They confirmed that I really was different from a "man." Beyond the obvious size difference I mean.

In 2011 and 2012 I was traveling internationally for business quite a bit. Sometimes to places where I felt I was still in the dark ages if you take my point. Sometimes to places that were much more civilized. When I was home, I spent a lot of time in my home-built. But uncaged whenever I was on the road. When I was home, my wife and I would continue our discussions about sexuality. I would wear my home-built chastity device often during the day, but would take it off at night when I was in bed with my wife. I loved how it made me feel. I would raid my wife's panty drawer often. Sometimes now I wonder if she noticed... Wearing my chastity device and panties didn't feel weird, it felt completely "right."

Slowly - ever so slowly - I got her to open up. Got her to tell me more about what she was thinking. And at the same time I tried to put MY feelings into words. I've read so many times about those who just dumped everything on someone in one shot, like ripping away a Band Aid. That was definitely NOT the case for me. Maybe I was scared. Meh. I just felt more comfortable taking things slowly. It seemed that peeling back each layer of the onion made it easier and less traumatic when I peeled back the next layer. Sometimes I smile when I think of those days and our discussions... Feeling our way through.

When I was traveling, I talked with my wife every night. Every... Single... Night... And I eMailed her almost every day as well. Having discovered the miracle of Blogspot and Tumblr, I was doing a lot of browsing and looking through images - almost always captioned. My eMails would almost always include pictures with captions that portrayed how I was feeling on any given day. Invariably chastity-related. Or dominant-wife related. Or sissy-related.

Late in 2012 I told my wife that I was interested in chastity. I don't think it really came as a shock to her as we had talked generally about the topic a lot, and many of the images I had sent to her portrayed chastity-related themes. What made the discussion stand out was that I asked her if she would buy me a chastity device for a Christmas present. Having done all my research, and having had some experience with my home-built device, I even sent her the link to the site. And so it was in January 2013 that my Mature Metal Jailbird arrived and life as I knew it changed forever...

And the mental picture I had of  myself came into clearer focus...