M

A few weeks after the wedding, I "M" for the first time. This was in a time before eMail or texting, so it was a phone call or nothing. It turns out that "M" was living about 80 miles from where I was living in California. She had recently moved there from the midwest and was living in an apartment and working in a company run by a college friend.

Very uncharacteristically (for me), I asked if I could see her and she agreed.

That first call led to a first date, which led to a second date. And so on. Our relationship progressed slowly. She was recovering from a bad relationship, as was I. For my part, I was still sorting my way through all of my feelings of being cuckolded by "J" and, while I didn't think about it every day or all the time, the feeling - the emotion - was always in the background.

"M" was a pretty conservative girl. Very inexperienced sexually (or so I thought until much later in life). Our sex life while dating was very conservative. None of the "hot monkey sex" that "J" and I had engaged in. "M" dressed comfortably and conservatively. Her parents, living an 8-hour drive to the north, were staunch conservatives. She slowly brought me back to life again. I liked her. I liked her a lot. She slowly pulled me out of my shell. She repaired me. She saved me.

Six months later I asked her to marry me. And later that year we married.

Life was good. Life was very good.

About two months after we married, we moved to Florida for my work, and "M" settled into more of a homemaker role while I went to work every day.

And thus we spent the next few years... Moving periodically for work, kids, trips for business. About as "boring" as you can imagine.

And all the time, there continued in my mind this nagging question... "Is this who I really am?... Is this really my life?" The question... The always-unanswered-question.

Always the frustration of not being able to answer the question. As I write this, why am I reminded of the interplay between Trinity and Neo at the start of "The Matrix?"

Remember, this was still before the Internet became what it is today. Well before Blogspot, Tumblr, and other media sites came into being. I just knew in my heart that something wasn't completely right. Something was missing.