As time went on, my perception of myself became more and more clear. This will probably be an interesting - and challenging - post for me to write. I've got some things I want to say, but I don't want them to come off as being superficial or phony... This is something that's incredibly important to me - being who I am - my acceptance of who I am. And the relationship I've got with my beautiful wife is deeper than most people can possibly imagine... We were two lost souls brought together decades ago by chance. Through it all we've somehow grown together and flourished. Over time our relationship has become deeper and more complex, a melding of flavors into a simple yet magnificent dish... The kind you can't get enough to eat. The kind you always come back for. The kind that's always there in the back of your mind... So when you read this, you should consider that context. In this case, the context is everything.
April 2014 was another milestone for me. It marked the first time I bought lingerie for myself. My wife was already accustomed to seeing me wearing panties and the occasional camisole. I was wearing panties almost every day. And I was feeling better about myself than I had felt in (literally) decades. But all the panties and lingerie I wore were things that my wife "donated" to me. I think the act of buying my own lingerie was an explicit affirmation of who I was.
So in April 2014 I bought my own lingerie. Stockings and a really sexy garter belt. Putting them on for the very first time made me feel phenomenally good. Here's the actual picture I saw when I ordered the garter belt. Those of you who are sissies like me know exactly what I'm talking about... The indescribable feeling of the material against your skin. The knowledge that YOU bought it for yourself. The angst of wearing it in front of my wife for that very first time and wondering what she would think...
After that order, I began ordering lingerie for myself more often. Not all the time, but whenever I felt the need to get something special for myself. My wife took that cue and began ordering more things for me as well - including matching bra and panty sets. I was in heaven! Wearing my own lingerie made me feel so "right." Wearing sexy things that my wife had bought for me made me feel special. When I traveled for business internationally and couldn't wear "my things" I felt like something important was missing. It always felt so good (and does today) when I came back from a trip and could dress the way I felt. My wife would sometimes pick me up at the airport and would tell me that she had laid out the things she wanted me to wear when we got home and I got out of the shower. What a special woman!
I was locked up most of the time. I still had "traditional" sex with my wife, but less and less frequently. It was apparent to both of us that she preferred oral sex (me going down on her) much more than she preferred our traditional lovemaking. Don't get me wrong, orgasms felt great. But I always experienced a huge emotional letdown after having an orgasm - knowing that I hadn't pleased her and that she felt she was only doing her wifely duty made me feel terrible, especially given how I now thought of myself - as a sissy. We talked about that often...
My nighttime discussions with my wife continued to evolve. We talked more about how I didn't please her when making love with her as a "man" but definitely did when I made love with her as a sissy. Somehow that didn't bother me at all. Perhaps that's because I already knew that I didn't please her with my "manly" lovemaking. It always left me frustrated and emotionally drained, even if I was never courageous (to that point in my life) to confess my feelings to her... She didn't yet use the term "sissy", but she kept encouraging me to not make love with her as a man, but to do so in the only way that I DID please her. My orgasms went down in number and shifted slowly. Where they were previously almost exclusively from penetrative sex, they became more from her stimulating me manually, or having me masturbate while she watched. The shift was slow, but apparent to me. And the first time she told me to play with myself while she watched my heart just about leapt out of my chest! Especially when she said it made her wet to watch me...
My periods in chastity increased in duration. I felt more aware... More aroused... Energized... More feminine every day it seemed. And it felt GOOD to me. Being out of my chastity cage and trying to make love with my wife as a "man" felt somehow wrong... Abnormal... I loved being between my wife's legs, cuddling with her and playing with her breasts while dressed en femme. I loved that there was no pressure on me to initiate penetrative sex after that. I loved that I could play with her for long periods, then slowly kiss and lick my way down until I finally reached her (invariably soaking wet) pussy and gently begin pleasuring her. This is what I wanted. This is who I was. This is who I wanted to be. And my wife - God bless her - accepted and supported me completely.
Slowly, we began to have deeper discussions about her desire to still have penetrative sex. To feel a man's cock in her. Yes, I already knew about cuckolding. Yes, I already knew about her college boyfriend having sex with her and making her cum. Yes, I had already been cuckolded by my first wife. And no, it wasn't her who brought it up...
It was me.
I don't remember the exact day that the topic crossed my lips, but I do remember asking her to fantasize about a MAN fucking her one night while I was between her legs licking her. By this time, she was calling me "sissy," "sissy gurl," or (to my great happiness) "sissy Lauren." and referring to the locked-up thing between my legs as a "clitty," which always aroused me. I remember looking up from licking her to see her with her head thrown back, lips apart, eyes shut, and her hands pulling and pinching her nipples in ecstasy... An incredible view into her fantasy as I continued to pleasure her orally. It made me feel incredible inside, and I confess that my clitty was dripping profusely. It wasn't so much a "fantasy" for me to think about my wife cuckolding me as it was a fervent (and very, very real) desire on my part to know that my wife was getting all the physical pleasure she (deep down) needed but was afraid to ask for. But the mental picture wasn't bad for me either...
For a long time, our lovemaking followed that model, with occasional variations on the theme. I would begin by stimulating her breasts, then begin verbally painting a picture of her with a man...With her making love with a man and thinking of all the things they would be doing together. A man with a real cock instead of the tiny thing between my legs. A man who could have sex with her for more than a minute before cumming. And all the time I would be gently licking her pussy. Getting her more and more aroused. I'd occasionally ask her to describe what she was fantasizing about. I'd occasionally ask her to play with herself while fantasizing about a man making love with her. I'd ask her to play with herself while comparing the man in her fantasies with me - her sissy husband... The scenes were very arousing to me as a sissy, and seeing her in such bliss made me love her even more.
Kinky? Definitely. I knew that I pleased her when I made love with her as a sissy. Much more so than when I pretended to be a man. But at the same time, I knew that she wanted and needed "real sex." But given her upbringing the emotional guilt for her was incredible. Even today, several years later, she still has occasional pangs... The most important thing for me though was that she be happy - emotionally and physically. She had already done so much for me by being so supportive, accepting, and loving for me for so many years.
Lauren, You are lucky (and courageous) to have found yourself and been honest with your wife about who your are. You now are able to give her to the pleasure she deserves. I am very much like you, have only been able to satisfy my wife with my head between her legs and certainly think of myself as a lesbian while doing so. The MAJOR difference is, my wife does not know and would not approve of my thinking of myself as a woman, so it is my little secret. It has, by virtue of too many disappointments because of my small size and premature squirts, her preferred lovemaking. She requires me to wear a panty girdle to keep me from cumming until she is finished. I would prefer openly being her sissy, and have gently broached the subject, and given her reaction, have decided to leave well enough alone. Cherish what you have!
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