"M" Learns More About Who I Am

(Sigh) Allow me to ramble for a minute...

There are lots of links to Blogspot sites about and for sissies. Unfortunately, it seems that many of the sites are either deceased, shills for junk, or just placeholders for "future content." In looking at some of the sites that I browsed through, it seems that there is a lifecycle period of three to five years. The sites start out so promising. But after that period of time, they just end. I don't mean that they slowly peter out, I mean that they "fall off a cliff." One day the blog author is enthusiastically posting and the next day there's nothing. I wonder why that is? Perhaps a move to a different place? Perhaps the creative juices dry up? Perhaps some sort of personal crisis? Or something else altogether?

If you've read my blog so far, you'll see my recognition in my early life that I was different than other males. Physical characteristics notwithstanding, I was different in my head as well. I think three things contributed to the turmoil in my head:

• I grew up in a very patriarchal household where gender roles were very traditional and fixed. You were either a boy or a girl, man or woman, defined completely by what you had between your legs. A very loving household - absolutely - but rigid.
• When I was young, I didn't have a lot of friends of either gender. Moving around a lot contributed to that, but I also tended to not make friends easily. As a young child, I just didn't gravitate to other boys as close friends, and knowing that girls had cooties and boogers didn't make them appealing to me either.
• I grew up as a "loner." Lost in my own world in many ways. As a loner, I looked at the person-to-person interactions going on around me (and yes, I OBSERVED them in silent solitude a LOT) and just wasn't comfortable in my own head with the notion of traditional relationships. I just couldn't see myself in those kinds of interactions so I withdrew even more.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to present an image of myself as this solitary loner who grows up to be a serial killer like you see on the news. Not at all. I engaged with others all the time. I laughed. I played. I had a great mom and dad who encouraged me to explore lots of different things. I DID lots of things with others. I just didn't have close relationships with others while doing all those things because I felt different.

As I entered my teens, I still didn't engage in friendships with other males. It seemed easier for me to build relationships with girls. At least talking relationships. Not "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationships. Not deep "bare your soul" close relationships by any stretch, but "get to know you... friend zone" friendships. And I was comfortable with that.

When I matured, my differences became more apparent to me, and I kept them hidden. Outwardly, I presented this "manly man" image. Inside I was in turmoil. Emotional agony.

And then, around the turn of the century, reconciliation and acceptance. Emotional freedom. We're talking "breath of fresh air" freedom. And it felt (and feels) so incredibly good!

The decade we're in currently has been a decade of change, of growth, and of exploration and discovery. It started with my wife buying my chastity cage and (tentatively at first) clicking the lock. It continued with routine, open nighttime discussions about her, me, what we're thinking and feeling, and what makes us happy. I told her that I wanted to wear panties and other women's underwear and lingerie. Pretty quickly she started putting some of hers into my drawer. Not that we were the same size at all, but given today's stretchy materials it somehow worked out. In fact, she bought me some panties. Nothing frilly, nothing lacy, just plain bikini panties in a variety of colors. God I love that woman! Almost right away I was wearing panties all the time. Every day. At home... At work... Everywhere. That simple act was an affirmation for me and I saw myself becoming more and more outside like the person I felt like inside.

Exploration and discovery progressed slowly, but pretty consistently. Nothing that really "pushed boundaries" in any kind of huge leap, just slow and steady progression. Where she kept my locked up for only short periods of time at first (think "chastity play") and unlocked me pretty regularly for "traditional" lovemaking, I noticed that more and more often I would end up with my head between her legs or cuddling and snuggling for long periods of time. And I was fine with that because I loved it and because I didn't have to feel bad anymore when I tried to please her like a man and failed miserably.

I regret to say (only because it's a character flaw that I have I guess) that I'm anally retentive - I keep track of details over long periods of time. Thus I can honestly say that in 2013 I got my Christmas present chastity cage, that we had it for 348 days that year, that I was locked-up for 229 days that year and that my longest period locked was 16 days, and that I had a grand total of 35 orgasms that year.

Remember how I said in an earlier post that my wife finally confessed and told me that I had never really pleased her when I made love with her as a man? Well... 2013 was the first year I kept track, and (I guess I'm proud to say) my wife's orgasms exceeded my own. Given that early (and for a long time thereafter) into our marriage I didn't engage in oral sex with her (to my great chagrin now), she spent a LOT of years without an orgasm that wasn't self-induced. So her orgasms in 2013 that I kept track of were due to me "practicing my technique" orally. And knowing that I could make her cum orally where I couldn't do so through penetrative sex reinforced my self-image even more. I've seen chastity blogs where it's said that keeping a husband locked up results in a lot more (and better) oral sex for the wife. I'll confirm that's true... On both counts!

And as long as my wife was getting the pleasure she deserved, that was all that mattered. The fact she accepted me for being "different" was just icing on the cake! She didn't know HOW "different"...

Yet...